60 Year old Douch Bag

[Riverologist]

My buddy and I were paired up with this 60 year old named John. He was actually a fairly good golfer but he would constantly yell and scream at himself for missed shots and putts. He would then proceed to tell us exactly went wrong. "I hit the toe on that one" " I lifted my head too soon" Shite like that.

The worst thing was.......He actually picked up my ball marker off the green and put it in his pocket. I told him that was mine. Who's the hell did he think it was? Also my buddy and his ball flew into the short rough on the side and as they were both looking for their balls, the old guy picked up my buddies ball and pocketed it. WTF?

It was at that point we started to play like he wasn't even with us. We would tee off and start walking as he's tee'd up to drive. We would putt out and start walking to the next tee as he was lining up his puts. That's the best we could do other that ripping into him.

[Home-slicer]

Sorry to get all LarryRanchosantafe on you, but you spelled douche wrong. I'm not a spelling/grammer Nazi, but it's in the thread title. Tighten up, River!

[Riverologist]

I was hoping to flush Larry out on this one....particularly because this guy is part of his demographic. Old and senile.

[Horseballs]

Cherish the old bastards you get paired with. They aren't long for this world. He was probably pissed because you disrespectful whippersnappers called him John instead of Mr. Douchebag.

[SoonerBS]

This is why I wish I lived close enough to Spank that he could golf with me regularly. While it is true that I would eventually get tired of lugging his 90+ handicapping golfing arse around all the time, it would be priceless to have him during times like you just posted. Like white trailer trash sics a pit bull on a two year old, I could just have Spank kick the 60 year old guy's butt around the course for half an hour for being a prick. I encounter guys like you are talking about a lot, River. They are retired or semi-retired and think that life owes them something. They don't give a shite about who cares what they say or do. They really need to be taught some respect. The lesson would likely not stick because they are past 60 and stuck in their ways, but it would at least be enjoyable to watch them getting their arses kicked.

How about it, Spank?

[Steelman]

You guys should have told him after a few of his "I did this" complaints that it wasn't that it was LOFT that was his problem. LOFT is Lack Of F**king Talent for those who don't habla.

[The Purist]

I would have been busting his balls the entire round. Especially a guy you don't know...There are a ton of jackasses that surround themselves with suckasses and sympathizers, and they build up a sense of entitlement.

I helped create one of these guys when I was younger. I had a boss that was a foot wedger, mulligan taker, and incorrect score tallier. I hated the way he played golf, but I would encourage his behavior and mark my own score up. It was comical how easy this guy was to manipulate. The other guys at work didn't get it. All this dude cared about was golf and beating his employees...I would get called up for a "meeting" each week and we would go play golf instead of work. I would get promotions over guys that had been there much longer. If I needed anything approved or wanted to change something, I would discuss it a little with him during golf...The next day I would tell him I really liked the idea he brought up yesterday, and he would go for it every time. As long as he thought he came up with the idea, it was all good.

It was wrong of me to enable this kind of behavior for my own benefit, and now I feel I owe a debt to society. I am paying off this debt by owning older self-entitled pricks every chance I get.

[famousdavis]

I would have been busting his balls the entire round. Especially a guy you don't know...There are a ton of jackasses that surround themselves with suckasses and sympathizers, and they build up a sense of entitlement.

I helped create one of these guys when I was younger. I had a boss that was a foot wedger, mulligan taker, and incorrect score tallier. I hated the way he played golf, but I would encourage his behavior and mark my own score up. It was comical how easy this guy was to manipulate. The other guys at work didn't get it. All this dude cared about was golf and beating his employees...I would get called up for a "meeting" each week and we would go play golf instead of work. I would get promotions over guys that had been there much longer. If I needed anything approved or wanted to change something, I would discuss it a little with him during golf...The next day I would tell him I really liked the idea he brought up yesterday, and he would go for it every time. As long as he thought he came up with the idea, it was all good.

It was wrong of me to enable this kind of behavior for my own benefit, and now I feel I owe a debt to society. I am paying off this debt by owning older self-entitled pricks every chance I get.

My father does the thing where he scolds himself after a bad shot and then talks about what he should have done or what club he should have hit. He is much better about it than he used to be. It was one of the reasons I quit playing when I was 10 years old and didn't take it up again until I was 15. He used to make it very obvious that his game was more important than everyone else's. Even today I sometimes have to tell him to knock it off but it's always uncomfortable and awkward because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. It's as if he has to be woken up out of self absorbtion.

[mongrel]

Cherish the old bastards you get paired with. They aren't long for this world. He was probably pissed because you disrespectful whippersnappers called him John instead of Mr. Douchebag.

Thanks for the kind words in support of us 60+ players. Maybe Mr. John Douchbag suffers from some medical problem that causes this behaviour on the golf course. Maybe players like that should be required to wear a medical bracelet summarizing the disease symptoms for his playing partners so that they could watch out for his quirks. Its like the 65 year old golfer who was behaving badly at home and on the course at his country club. His actions at the club were so outrageous that the members' wives' gossip got back to the member's wife who convinced her husband to see the family doctor. Doc sent him to several specialists but not a one could agree on the exact nature of his ailment. The family Doc called the wife in for a meeting after all the tests were in and told the wife that no one could figure it out. The wife, extremely frustrated by this point, asked the doctor what he would recommend, and Doc said "OK, well the specialists have narrowed it down to Alzheimer's or Aids. I can only suggest that you drop him off at that lakefront course 20 miles north from here with his clubs. If he finds his way home, don't f*ck him without protection."

[daveperkins]

"Douche" is French for "Shower".

Not a rain shower, taking a shower with soap and all.

I've long been amused that the word was confiscated to define women's gynecological cleaning products.

French lesson for today

"Je vais faire une douche" is "I"m gonna take a shower"

"Je suis une sac de douche" is "I am a douchebag"

[golfaholic]

My buddy and I were paired up with this 60 year old named John. He was actually a fairly good golfer but he would constantly yell and scream at himself for missed shots and putts. He would then proceed to tell us exactly went wrong. "I hit the toe on that one" " I lifted my head too soon" Shite like that.

The worst thing was.......He actually picked up my ball marker off the green and put it in his pocket. I told him that was mine. Who's the hell did he think it was? Also my buddy and his ball flew into the short rough on the side and as they were both looking for their balls, the old guy picked up my buddies ball and pocketed it. WTF?

It was at that point we started to play like he wasn't even with us. We would tee off and start walking as he's tee'd up to drive. We would putt out and start walking to the next tee as he was lining up his puts. That's the best we could do other that ripping into him.

Maybe he was a kleptomaniac. He's probably taking something for it. See what I did there?

[Riverologist]

Today I was paired up with a couple brutal hackers. I quit after 9 holes. They were honestly taking 12s and 15's. The one guy was wearing a fanny pack.

It has not been my week for playing partners. I guess you get what you pay for at a municipal course.

[Jeff_h]

Today I was paired up with a couple brutal hackers. I quit after 9 holes. They were honestly taking 12s and 15's. The one guy was wearing a fanny pack.

It has not been my week for playing partners. I guess you get what you pay for at a municipal course.

Hey....

At least you got some fresh air.

[Riverologist]

Hey....

At least you got some fresh air.

Let me repeat.....he was wearing a FANNY PACK!

I mean, if he was Hulk Hogan, I could over look it.

[daveperkins]

I mean, if he was Hulk Hogan, I could over look it.

on that guy it's just a properly loaded Speedo...

[Horseballs]

Today I was paired up with a couple brutal hackers. I quit after 9 holes. They were honestly taking 12s and 15's. The one guy was wearing a fanny pack.

It has not been my week for playing partners. I guess you get what you pay for at a municipal course.

May I suggest you get some friends so you don't get paired with these other people you hold in such disdain. My personal theory is that you are the problem. All these other people you get paired with found someone else to play with them, yet you continually show up solo at the course, generously get paired with others who accept you into their group, then bash them for their kindness. I don't know the definition of cordial or thankful in your strange Canuck culture, but I suggest you pick up an American dictionary and look them up.

[Riverologist]

May I suggest you get some friends so you don't get paired with these other people you hold in such disdain. My personal theory is that you are the problem. All these other people you get paired with found someone else to play with them, yet you continually show up solo at the course, generously get paired with others who accept you into their group, then bash them for their kindness. I don't know the definition of cordial or thankful in your strange Canuck culture, but I suggest you pick up an American dictionary and look them up.

It's a municipal course. I don't need to be accepted into anyone's group. My property taxes guarantee that.
1. John, the old klepto, was a single walk on that walked on MY tee time with MY buddy.
2. I had my own tee time on the second day but the starters are always combining to form full groups as this course crams on 50,000 rounds a season.
3. I highly doubt you play 6 days a week in a full foursome you created, so eat a dick.

[The Purist]

It's a municipal course. I don't need to be accepted into anyone's group. My property taxes guarantee that.
1. John, the old klepto, was a single walk on that walked on MY tee time with MY buddy.
2. I had my own tee time on the second day but the starters are always combining to form full groups as this course crams on 50,000 rounds a season.
3. I highly doubt you play 6 days a week in a full foursome you created, so eat a dick.

I play with random dudes all the time also. The guys I'm paired with are either awesome players that play any chance they get, old retired guys, or guys traveling on business. I usually try to squeeze in a 9 every week, and its much easier to get out of work than out of the house. So my nine is usually played during business hours.

[Horseballs]

It's a municipal course. I don't need to be accepted into anyone's group. My property taxes guarantee that.
1. John, the old klepto, was a single walk on that walked on MY tee time with MY buddy.
2. I had my own tee time on the second day but the starters are always combining to form full groups as this course crams on 50,000 rounds a season.
3. I highly doubt you play 6 days a week in a full foursome you created, so eat a dick.

Ah, the old property tax/muni-entitlement complex is in full effect I see. The only thing I'm happy about is that my property tax also pays to keep you cheap bastards at the muni's and off all the good courses where foursomes play nicely.
The one thing that pisses me off to no extent is when I have a 3-some and we get paired up with a malcontent. Just ruins the day for everyone.
Slightly worse is the guy who makes a tee time for a onesome. Just a pathetic display of loneliness. I used to have compassion for the onesome guy, but they all seem to have serious social problems (hence the onesome dilemma).

[famousdavis]

Ah, the old property tax/muni-entitlement complex is in full effect I see. The only thing I'm happy about is that my property tax also pays to keep you cheap bastards at the muni's and off all the good courses where foursomes play nicely.
The one thing that pisses me off to no extent is when I have a 3-some and we get paired up with a malcontent. Just ruins the day for everyone.
Slightly worse is the guy who makes a tee time for a onesome. Just a pathetic display of loneliness. I used to have compassion for the onesome guy, but they all seem to have serious social problems (hence the onesome dilemma).

The only time I've gone out on the course by myself is to practice and that was only when I was a member at a CC. I only did it maybe 4 or 5 times. I would go out around 6pm in the middle of summer and play 2 or 3 balls at a time. However, after about 6 holes I would be wishing that I was playing in a foursome and having a game. Playing golf alone sucks big time.

[Mward2002]

If your friends are busy or cheap, why should I not go play golf just because they can't join me? I'd rather go out as a single and fly through 18 in under 2 and a half hours, or drop a few balls and hit different shots?

[Riverologist]

Ah, the old property tax/muni-entitlement complex is in full effect I see. The only thing I'm happy about is that my property tax also pays to keep you cheap bastards at the muni's and off all the good courses where foursomes play nicely.
The one thing that pisses me off to no extent is when I have a 3-some and we get paired up with a malcontent. Just ruins the day for everyone.
Slightly worse is the guy who makes a tee time for a onesome. Just a pathetic display of loneliness. I used to have compassion for the onesome guy, but they all seem to have serious social problems (hence the onesome dilemma).

Good attempt at a flame but you are falling quite short. However you are meeting your usual standard of being a complete dick head.

I'll try to explain. I live in Calgary Alberta....just outside the majestic Rocky Mountains. Golf season here is very short. It's not like it is in most parts of the world where if you don't feel like golfing today there will always be tomorrow. You golf here in rain, shine or snow. Lots of times it all happens within the same round.

The municipal courses I play at is one of the nicest courses around...but it's cheap relatively speaking. $47 bucks. I know that's probably double where others play but Calgary is a hotbed of golf and people pay lots of money to golf and the season is short. A semi private course around the city is anywhere from $80-$120 a round.

You going to pay that 6/days a week? You'd have to spend a few more hours a day picking bottles for the deposits.

That said, I find most of the players I walk on with good people. I posted those two experiences for it's rarity. Plus, if you don't book a time here in Calgary, you don't play. Simple as that. Fully booked 7 days a week. Rain or shine.

[Horseballs]

Good attempt at a flame but you are falling quite short. However you are meeting your usual standard of being a complete dick head.

I think my flame was quite good. People on the receiving end of a beatdown always downplay the results.

[lorenzoinoc]

I think my flame was quite good. People on the receiving end of a beatdown always downplay the results.

There are definitely lessons to be learned from your brand of flaming. River, I just hope you haven't gotten so pissed off over this that you'll never reach the standard golf quota of having three friends. It sounds like you may have one, so let's see if we can help you find a couple more.

A good concept to follow in finding and keeping three friends might be to not take things too seriously. Then there's being charitable. Buying a drink for someone you don't know can work, but make it clear it's not a romantic overture...unless it is. Then there's getting another guy laid, otherwise known as being a good wingman. Although that could then result in obligation more than friendship. Telling jokes works pretty well, maybe try that. If you need some joke suggestions, let us know, we're all happy to help.

It is really nice to belong to a club because it's easy to make friends (for most people) and you know what you're getting when you agree to join a group. But almost every other recreational golfer has quirks and foibles you're going to have to learn to accept if you want friends.

So someone steals something from you. So someone else wears a fanny pack and maybe took a 15 on a par 3 while laughing. He that hath not sinned....turn the other cheek....um...sorry, this isn't my area. Dave??? Sooner??? (I don't think he's Jewish). Anyways, once you get up to the three friend mark, you never know what it will lead to. Maybe you won't have to go to the movies and dinner by yourself.

[jt1135]

Being unemployed since 4 april, I golf everyday. Sometimes by myself other times with other singles. All the regulars that I play with are at work so just have to make do. Gives me a chance to try different shots around the course. Almost like having a 18 hole driving range.

[mongrel]

Over the years I've found that having the opportunity to play a course alone and unimpeded is a rare and valuable experience for my game. If not pushed, I'll hit several tee shots with maybe driver, 3 wood and long iron and play all three balls into the hole. Sometimes, I'd purposely hit a drive one or two fairways over just to be able to hit unusual approach shots. My father taught me the value of playing a familiar hole backwards, from green to tee, just to learn the hole better. I could do this pretty regularly when I played out of a private club but it is very difficult to do it on the publics unless the weather is really nasty. I will frequently walk on as a single at a few local munis and find I play my best when I join a threesome of Koreans who speak no English. Its almost like playing alone.

[spanqdoggie]

This is why I wish I lived close enough to Spank that he could golf with me regularly. While it is true that I would eventually get tired of lugging his 90+ handicapping golfing arse around all the time, it would be priceless to have him during times like you just posted. Like white trailer trash sics a pit bull on a two year old, I could just have Spank kick the 60 year old guy's butt around the course for half an hour for being a prick. I encounter guys like you are talking about a lot, River. They are retired or semi-retired and think that life owes them something. They don't give a shite about who cares what they say or do. They really need to be taught some respect. The lesson would likely not stick because they are past 60 and stuck in their ways, but it would at least be enjoyable to watch them getting their arses kicked.

How about it, Spank?

Pulling one of his golf shoes off and throwing it as far as you can (down a cliff/embankment/pond), has worked wonders for me, in the past...

A word doesn't even have to be spoken.

B!tch grabs my golf ball, then the sh!t is on...

spank