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  1. #1
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    Most laughable tough guys

    The Fonz

    Leonardo De Caprio in Gangs of New York

    Tom Cruise in Far and Away

    Mark Hamill in Return of the Jedi

    Ben Affleck..just name any movie he's in

  2. #2
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    John Travolta in any role. Wonder when the film about the masseur will be made.
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  3. #3
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    This guy...........
    Attached Images Attached Images  

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    David Caruso.
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    Several Nicholas Cage characters come to mind.
    The views expressed by The Purist do not necessarily represent the views of The Purist. Any posts by the Purist should not be relied upon for truth or accuracy, and should be viewed at your own risk.

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    Bruce Wills in "The 5th Element"

    Ahhnold in "Twins"
    Dad, I was swimming in a rainbow with millions of babies... and they was naked... and then all of a sudden I turned into a perfect smile!

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Purist View Post
    Several Nicholas Cage characters come to mind.
    Exactly. Nicholas Cage has the gravitas of a feather from the down of a gosling. Or a litre of helium. Steve McQueen must have tried to punch his way through the coffin when he heard the Cage was starring in a re-make of "Gone in 60 Seconds".
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmtbkr View Post
    Bruce Wills in "The 5th Element"

    Ahhnold in "Twins"
    Willis was brilliant in that movie. In fact, the entire film was a masterpiece. I was so impressed that when Honda came out with their four door SUV-like Element, I wanted one just so I could get a personal license plate that read "Fifth" or "5th".
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    Quote Originally Posted by mongrel View Post
    Willis was brilliant in that movie. In fact, the entire film was a masterpiece. I was so impressed that when Honda came out with their four door SUV-like Element, I wanted one just so I could get a personal license plate that read "Fifth" or "5th".
    Agree!!!
    One of my favorite all time movies, in my top 5!
    I love pausing the DVD and gazing at some of the backgrounds. Unbelieveable artwork!
    Dad, I was swimming in a rainbow with millions of babies... and they was naked... and then all of a sudden I turned into a perfect smile!

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    For me I think it's a tie between Stephen Seagull and Chuck Novice.

    I always rooted for the bad guys in their movies who also weren't tough or they'd have had both of those guys eating their wedgies.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mongrel View Post
    Willis was brilliant in that movie. In fact, the entire film was a masterpiece. I was so impressed that when Honda came out with their four door SUV-like Element, I wanted one just so I could get a personal license plate that read "Fifth" or "5th".

    Have not read any other comments yet, but brilliant movie, The Fifth Element...

    The girl with the orange hair was absolutely gorgeous.

    Chris screaming under the piano as the guns go off is one of my favorite scenes...

    You are correct. The film was a masterpiece.

    Off topic does not allow us to post pictures but here is a link to the orange hair girl: http://reviewsin5.com/wp-content/upl...llajdotcom.jpg

    Poor picture. She looks better in the movie.
    Last edited by spanqdoggie; 10-16-2012 at 01:15 AM. Reason: Lary can kiss my ass
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    Quote Originally Posted by mongrel View Post
    John Travolta in any role. Wonder when the film about the masseur will be made.
    Come on Mongrel Travolta was a cool tough guy in Pulp Fiction. He takes the bosses gal out for the evening, buys her a drink, dances with her then saves her life when she OD's. What more could you want from a tough guy?
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by famousdavis View Post
    The Fonz

    Leonardo De Caprio in Gangs of New York

    Tom Cruise in Far and Away

    Mark Hamill in Return of the Jedi

    Ben Affleck..just name any movie he's in
    The Fonz is a legendary tough guy. Everyone feared him and he never lost a fight.

    Tom Cruise pfft. Was he even meant to be a tough guy in Far and Away? His best action scene was jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  15. #15
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    Lorenzo Lamas looked pretty funny when he tried to go all hard with the ponytail and the tatts and the Harley.
    The views expressed by Not a Hacker are not meant to be understood by you primitive screw heads. Don't take it personally, just sit back and enjoy the writings of your better.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    For me I think it's a tie between Stephen Seagull and Chuck Novice.

    I always rooted for the bad guys in their movies who also weren't tough or they'd have had both of those guys eating their wedgies.
    Both Seagal and Chuck are legit martial artists so unless you are talking about their acting, or in Seagal's case his running, I don't think they are laughable. I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm a fan of Seagal. He adds a certain kitchness to his movies, his characters are almost like the characters in movies Homer and Bart watch on the Simpsons. Seagal also had the best fight scenes, or at least he did in the 90s when he wasn't too bloated to move.

    There's a real funny youtube clip where Bas Rutten talks about what would happen if he had a real fight with Seagal "I'd slap him in the face pop pop pop, grab his ponytail and maybe a headbutt here and there and then fold him up".

    But the funniest Seagal story doing the rounds was his figth with an extra. Apparently Seagal had a rep for wanting to show the extras and stuntmen how tough he was by going hands on with them off camera. The story goes was that Seagal was shooting his mouth off one day saying that he could break any hold any they could put on him without breaking sweat. An aging stuntman took hi up and stood behind him and Seagal let him put a choke hold on him. Seagal was choked out in about 20 seconds. He claimed he wasn't ready and said the guy got lucky and wouldn' do it again, so they tried it again and Seagal went out again no problem. Story goes the old stuntman who choked him out just happened to be 'Judo' Gene Le Bell, the greatest grappler in the history of martial arts. The thing about that story I find hard to believe is that Seagal didn't know who Gene Le Bell was.
    Last edited by Not a hacker; 10-16-2012 at 04:04 AM.
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  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    Come on Mongrel Travolta was a cool tough guy in Pulp Fiction. He takes the bosses gal out for the evening, buys her a drink, dances with her then saves her life when she OD's. What more could you want from a tough guy?
    Never watched that flic. I can't stand Samuel El Jackoff. If he jaywalked in front of me, I would forget which foot hits the brakes. An issue of Golf Magazine to which my wife subscribes for me several years ago had a feature spread on Jackoff's golf swing. First thing I did after I pulled out all those damn drop out ad cards was to excise the entire article with my Spyderco. Then I had a clean magazine.
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  18. #18
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    Now that I think about it, Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix in "Demolition Man". I love that guy and laugh my *ss off every time I see parts of that movie after all these years.

    Too bad he was persecuted by the Feds for slipping up paying them a couple of mil in taxes. Happened to another guy I really like. Jim Thorpe. Watching Thorpe and Trevino play together some years ago was a highlight of my Tour Gallery lifetime.
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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a hacker View Post
    Both Seagal and Chuck are legit martial artists so unless you are talking about their acting, or in Seagal's case his running, I don't think they are laughable. I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm a fan of Seagal. He adds a certain kitchness to his movies, his characters are almost like the characters in movies Homer and Bart watch on the Simpsons. Seagal also had the best fight scenes, or at least he did in the 90s when he wasn't too bloated to move.

    There's a real funny youtube clip where Bas Rutten talks about what would happen if he had a real fight with Seagal "I'd slap him in the face pop pop pop, grab his ponytail and maybe a headbutt here and there and then fold him up".

    But the funniest Seagal story doing the rounds was his figth with an extra. Apparently Seagal had a rep for wanting to show the extras and stuntmen how tough he was by going hands on with them off camera. The story goes was that Seagal was shooting his mouth off one day saying that he could break any hold any they could put on him without breaking sweat. An aging stuntman took hi up and stood behind him and Seagal let him put a choke hold on him. Seagal was choked out in about 20 seconds. He claimed he wasn't ready and said the guy got lucky and wouldn' do it again, so they tried it again and Seagal went out again no problem. Story goes the old stuntman who choked him out just happened to be 'Judo' Gene Le Bell, the greatest grappler in the history of martial arts. The thing about that story I find hard to believe is that Seagal didn't know who Gene Le Bell was.
    I think we both know the Hollywood machine gets a hold of some guy who's a weenie, decides he looks the part and pretty soon it turns out the guy won fights, titles, killed people, did Evel Kneivel jumps with motorcycles, put a chokehold on a bear and ass-raped him, etc.

    If you want to observe this phenomenon in action, see the current in theaters flick, Argo. Nicely staged film about diplomats trapped in Iran at the time their brethren were hostages during the famous crisis. While not the central plot, it exposes the amazing lengths Hollywood would routinely go to establish fact out of fiction. I doubt eiher Norris or Seagale ever threw a punch before the machine took over.

    It would be difficult to pull off that kind of ruse today but back then it was simple and business as usual. My guess is Segale was a computer repair geek and Norris sang at Bar Mitzvahs.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Riverologist View Post
    River, you are the man. The chet character was one of the all time great jerks I've seen in a movie. I heard the other actors on the set could never stop cracking up when he was doing his thing. Bill Paxton's greatest roll ever...right up there with his used car salesman/secret agent role in that Arnold/Jamie Lee Curtis movie.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    I think we both know the Hollywood machine gets a hold of some guy who's a weenie, decides he looks the part and pretty soon it turns out the guy won fights, titles, killed people, did Evel Kneivel jumps with motorcycles, put a chokehold on a bear and ass-raped him, etc.

    If you want to observe this phenomenon in action, see the current in theaters flick, Argo. Nicely staged film about diplomats trapped in Iran at the time their brethren were hostages during the famous crisis. While not the central plot, it exposes the amazing lengths Hollywood would routinely go to establish fact out of fiction. I doubt eiher Norris or Seagale ever threw a punch before the machine took over.

    It would be difficult to pull off that kind of ruse today but back then it was simple and business as usual. My guess is Segale was a
    computer repair geek and Norris sang at Bar Mitzvahs.
    You're wrong about Norris. He was a legit 'Karate' champ in the late 60's and early 70's. Not that that's saying much admittedly but it's true. You don't think Hollywood picked him out for his acting ability, charisma and good looks do you?

    Don't know anything about Seagull.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    You're wrong about Norris. He was a legit 'Karate' champ in the late 60's and early 70's. Not that that's saying much admittedly but it's true. You don't think Hollywood picked him out for his acting ability, charisma and good looks do you?

    Don't know anything about Seagull.
    Go see Argo and then let's talk. Staged dojo videos made by studios showing choreographed fake fights to promote an actor and/or film don't impress me.

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    Ok well at the risk of going down the Lance Armstrong path again I did karate as a 14 year old. In the dressing room of the 'dojo' there was a stack of old karate magazines, many dating back to the 1960's and 70's. In these magazines there were stories about karate tournaments at the time featuring guys like Joe Lewis , Bill 'Superfoot' Wallace and Chuck Norris was right there in the thick of it.

    It was his good looks, charisma and hairy back that propelled him into movie stardom.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    Ok well at the risk of going down the Lance Armstrong path again I did karate as a 14 year old. In the dressing room of the 'dojo' there was a stack of old karate magazines, many dating back to the 1960's and 70's. In these magazines there were stories about karate tournaments at the time featuring guys like Joe Lewis , Bill 'Superfoot' Wallace and Chuck Norris was right there in the thick of it.

    It was his good looks, charisma and hairy back that propelled him into movie stardom.
    Yes, they debug the posters and magazine article thing in Argo. Part of the ruse. Not so easy to pull off here in the Internet age. Which is why you don't see those guys anymore.

    If I can find video of Chuck Norris singing at a Bar Mitzvah I'll post it.

  25. #25
    Charles Bronson. He might've been some kind of badass back in the the 50s, but when I was a kid and the the death wish movies were popular, I remember wondering if that old man was supposed to be intimidating.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Home-slicer View Post
    Charles Bronson. He might've been some kind of badass back in the the 50s, but when I was a kid and the the death wish movies were popular, I remember wondering if that old man was supposed to be intimidating.
    I loved Bronson in the "Death Wish" movies. Before that he played a great role in "The Dirty Dozen". When the old guy is packing concealed heat when the punks sense a victim, its always entertainingly intimidating. If I ever made a movie like "Death Wish", I would have made the Bronson character a woman and have her walking down the street in the seedy section of a Big City carrying a Large Purse purposely carelessly so that the punks following her would naturally knock her down and snatch it and then run away. Before they can turn the corner, she pulls the small remote control device and pushes the button detonating a couple of ounces of Semtex that vaporizes the punks in an instant cloud of pink mist.
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  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    Yes, they debug the posters and magazine article thing in Argo. Part of the ruse. Not so easy to pull off here in the Internet age. Which is why you don't see those guys anymore.

    If I can find video of Chuck Norris singing at a Bar Mitzvah I'll post it.
    I personally guarantee Chuck Norris would kick your asss, whether you watched some movie called Argo or not. Do you think Seagal somehow wouldn't be able to snap your arm because you paid money to see a Ben Affleck movie?
    Talk about fantasy land...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horseballs View Post
    I personally guarantee Chuck Norris would kick your asss, whether you watched some movie called Argo or not. Do you think Seagal somehow wouldn't be able to snap your arm because you paid money to see a Ben Affleck movie?
    Talk about fantasy land...

    Well played. Seriously, these boy hero kung fu fighters are all based on deception.

    And bad guys in movies don't really die, it's pretend, I guess I shouldn't assume you know that.

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    Arnie never won a single bodybuilding contest but they made it up to enhance his profile in Conan the Barbarian.

    Johnny Weismuller didn't win Olympic gold in swimming but they thought it would lend credibility to the scenes where he swims and fights crocodiles to the death in African rivers whilst rescuing Jane.

    I saw all this in the movie Argo. You should see it.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    Arnie never won a single bodybuilding contest but they made it up to enhance his profile in Conan the Barbarian.

    Johnny Weismuller didn't win Olympic gold in swimming but they thought it would lend credibility to the scenes where he swims and fights crocodiles to the death in African rivers whilst rescuing Jane.

    I saw all this in the movie Argo. You should see it.
    You know, I owe you an apology, I feel like I'm inadvertantly poking holes in your hero balloons. Please just forget about it. Now that I realize this I'll try and watch myself.

    By the way, do you have any other heroes?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    You know, I owe you an apology, I feel like I'm inadvertantly poking holes in your hero balloons. Please just forget about it. Now that I realize this I'll try and watch myself.

    By the way, do you have any other heroes?
    Well, Marvelous Marvin Hagler did play a US Marine in the film Indio but I'm pretty positive his entire boxing career of 60 odd fights was pure media invention to enhance his image as a tough guy.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    Well, Marvelous Marvin Hagler did play a US Marine in the film Indio but I'm pretty positive his entire boxing career of 60 odd fights was pure media invention to enhance his image as a tough guy.
    Marvelous was real, I know somebody who took a few punches from him in fact was knocked unconscious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    Marvelous was real, I know somebody who took a few punches from him in fact was knocked unconscious.
    Inside the ring or outside?
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi Player View Post
    Inside the ring or outside?
    I may have relayed this before but this guy wrote in to a TV show called Sports Fantasy wanting to get in the ring with Hagker. This was back when Hagker was known locally in Boston but was struggling to get ranked fights. Marvelous toyed with him in the 1st but actually KO'd the guy in the 2d. This bloke was going to Harvard Law School at the time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Not a German View Post
    I may have relayed this before but this guy wrote in to a TV show called Sports Fantasy wanting to get in the ring with Hagker. This was back when Hagker was known locally in Boston but was struggling to get ranked fights. Marvelous toyed with him in the 1st but actually KO'd the guy in the 2d. This bloke was going to Harvard Law School at the time.
    Yes you have relayed that story before. Wow - that guy must have been some kind of masochist.
    I chose the road less traveled.

    Now where the f#ck am I?

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    Just for clarification, is Ben Affleck a badass in Daredevil because he was also in Argo? I'm hearing all sorts of internet chatter about how Argo is totally legit and every other movie is fake. Bon jour.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horseballs View Post
    Just for clarification, is Ben Affleck a badass in Daredevil because he was also in Argo? I'm hearing all sorts of internet chatter about how Argo is totally legit and every other movie is fake. Bon jour.
    So now you're French? Sorry, not buying.

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