CBS Sports Interview with the Master

[Bravo35223]

CBS Sports Interview with The master

Jim Nance: Hi everybody, I'm Jim Nance with CBS Sports. Today, we continue with our series of interviews with characters at Golfreview.com - known as GR.

Today we meet with The master - a young, aggressive player from Northern Ireland.

Master, welcome to CBS Sports.

The Master: Good to be here Jim.

JN: Our research staff says you have been working hard on your game lately. In the past week, you've been seen at the range hitting thousands of balls. How is it going?

TM: Well I think I've overdone it Jim. My back is killing me.

JN: That's hard to believe for someone your age. Tell me about your back.

TM: I'm telling ya that my back is in excreting pain - just excreting.

JN: Excreting? Surely you mean excrucia.....

TM (interrupting): YES! - excreting pain! it's the worst I have ever had!!

JN: So the pain.....it?s coming OUT of your back - like.... leaving your body?

TM: What are you talking about?

JN: You said the pain is excreting - like something was coming out of an orifice.

TM: Orifice? Is that a new sand wedge?

JN: An orifice is a body par.....

TM (interrupting): No wait!!! Of course! I know!. ... the new Orifice putter by Scotty Cameron!! Those orifices are really hot now.

But you know Jim, I do not need the Orifice putter by Scotty Cameron. My putting skills are awesome now. I am as good as Tiger was in 2002 - and I am only 16 years old!! Even Darren Clarke comes to me for putting lessons.

No - the last thing I need is the new Orifice putter!!!

JN: By orifice - we mean a hole in your body like your nose, mouth or butt....

TM (exasperated): I thought this was a golf interview - not an anatomy class!.

(TM gets red faced with anger)

I am in very bad pain. There is nothing coming out of my arse!!! The pain is EXCRETING...You idiot!!! What language do you speak???

JN: OK, OK on to the next question.

Speaking of language, our researchers say you are known for your, your....sometimes questionable usage of grammar and spelling.

TM: Well it is simply a mater of me nott wanting to take teh time to spel rite. I kan spel phine if I wantto.

After all, I make the highest marks in my English classes. I just don't care to use guude English on the syte...

JN: Well our interviews with GR posters indicate that they have a hard time reading your posts, because of the spelling and grammar.

TM: I donno what teh are talking about! I Kan spel just phine if I wantto.I just donn want to tek the tymme...I am two bizzie practking my swing.

JN: Well - a recent big event at GR was your match with Irishgolfer. How did that come about?

TM: Well I came online and IG starting trash talking about how he could beat the crap out of me. I mean he was a real jerk about it all.

JN: Really?!

TM: Yes and I had to stand up for myself.

JN: Our research of the posts shows pretty much the opposite. Looks to us like you told IG that you would beat him handily in a match.

TM: No way!! I am a humble player!!

JN: Well it sounds like an interesting match. Tell us about it.

TM: Well I had a long drive with my dad and we got there on time. We played Portstewart which is a links course. I have spent all my time on parkland courses. This is why I lost the match.

JN: We understand that you had an early lead and could not hold on. Sounds like you crumbled under the pressure.

TM: I did not crumble under pressure!!

(TM's face begins to lose colour.)

JN: No discussion of this match would be complete without an enquiry concerning The Turkey...

TM: Turkey?!?!?

(TM?s face is ashen now)

JN: Yes our research staff spoke with IG in preparation for this interview. He told us that you were wagering for a holiday turkey to be eaten by the victor's family.

After you lost the match you refused to pay up. IG told us that you have welched on your bet.

TM: Welched??

JN: According to what we have read on GR, you have failed to pay your bet to IG. Tell us about that.

TM: Well - I suppose we Did wager a turkey...

(sighs)

TM: I cannot afford to pay him now. My Christmas bills!!!

JN: Cannot afford it? You posted recently that you make the mortgage payments on your family's house. And judging from the pictures, it looks like an expensive home. A beautiful property with a kitchen to die for.

TM: The problem is - I tried to send the turkey by post - but they wouldn't take it.

JN: We researched the issue with The Royal Mail. They would be happy to send a package of that size. Postage of approximately 15 GBP. Failing that - UPS or Fed Ex would handle a turkey for you.

TM: Well - I'll look into it but won't make any promises. Besides, we have a rematch coming up at Bangor. I am playing him double or nothing!!

[The master]

Great bravo, you could make a living out of doing these things. And actually next time we play if he wins he gets my dads BMW, and if i win I will get a large sum of cash.

[Bravo35223]

Great bravo, you could make a living out of doing these things. And actually next time we play if he wins he gets my dads BMW, and if i win I will get a large sum of cash.

Hey fair enough and thanks for being a good sport about it all....

[The master]

I don't mind it's funny, you should be doing one about buddha as we speak.