Golf Jokes

**amer1cangolfer** · 06-10-2006

I know with the combined amount of golf the people on this forum play that you all have heard many good golf jokes. I was wondering what some of the best you've heard are. I need some ammo as competitions between me and dad can get pretty intense! He also plays worse when he's relaxing and having a good time! Help me beat dad!!

**Wadeisabeast** · 06-10-2006

A guy goes to the pro shop of his local muni-golf course and a beautiful blond waves at him and says, "Hello."
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my country club bachelor party that I got naked with on the putting green, with all my golf buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with a Fuji shaft and did strange things to me with a golf ball?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

**emc** · 06-10-2006

Originally Posted by Wadeisabeast

A guy goes to the pro shop of his local muni-golf course and a beautiful blond waves at him and says, "Hello."
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my country club bachelor party that I got naked with on the putting green, with all my golf buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with a Fuji shaft and did strange things to me with a golf ball?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Why does the shaft have to be Fuji? Golf is so called because all the other four letter words were taken

**Boomhauer** · 06-11-2006

Neither of these will win any stand-up prizes, but here it goes:

1. The wife of a chronic golf addict decides to take up the game in order to spend a little more quality time with her husband. Not wanting to be a burden on his round, she elects to take some lessons prior to joining him at the course. After a week of topping, slicing, and hooking, she begins to swear in frustration. The pro walks up to her and assesses the situation, telling her the grip she is using is much too firm, and advising her to hold the golf club like she would her husband's penis. The pro stepped back, and she swung, sending the ball down the center of the fairway. "Jesus", the pro yels, "that was excellent - now take it out of your mouth and we'll try for distance!".

2. A fanatic golfer finally manages to sneak out for a round of golf after a monotonous week at work. Unfortunately, his game is suffering, and he can't seem to keep the ball in the short stuff. On the 12 hole, he shanks his last ball into the woods, and has to go look for it. After a few minutes, he finds his ball in a small clearing, nestled down in a bed of buttercups. Taking out his 60* to attempt a heroic flop shot over the tree-tops, he is stopped halfway through his backswing by a soft voice that says, "Please don't hurt my buttercups".
Startled, the man turns and blurts, "Who the hell are you?".
"I'm Mother Nature", replies the woman, "And if you don't hurt my buttercups I'll give you all the butter you can eat for the rest of your life".
The man responds, "That's great, but where the hell were you on 7 when I was in the pu$$ywillows?".

Like I said...probably older than the hills, and a bit dry...but then again, so is golf! Good luck with the old man...if the jokes don't work you could always pull a Tonya Harding on him.

**Lemonhead** · 06-11-2006

Moses and God are playing golf. Moses tees off on #1 a 440yd par 4 and sends it screaming down the fairway where it rolls to 3 feet from the cup. "Not bad" says God who tees up his ball and slices it so bad it's heading dead right. It hits a tree and bounces down the adjoining fairway where a fox runs out the brush and grabs the ball and runs off even further away from the course. Just before the fox jumps in his hole, an eagle swoops down on the fox and, instead of grabbing the fox, the eagle only gets the ball by mistake. The eagle rises magestically in the air and begins to fly away with God's ball in his talons when a hunter pops up from a thicket and takes a shot at the eagle. The startled eagle drops the ball on the #1 green, but it is going to be a long 80ft putt at best, when a breeze kicks up and the wind starts the ball rolling where it drops right in the cup.

Moses looks at God and says "Look, did you come out here to mess around or play golf?".

Lemonhead

**ezra76** · 06-11-2006

This is an old one but I found it quite funny.

A man is playing with his wife. On the first tee she heads over to the ladies box, to the left of the mens, as he is readying to tee off. He hits a nasty pull hook and it hits her right in the temple and kills her. The next day the man is called down to the police station. The detective says "We understand the ball to the head was the cause of death but we are curious as to the giant black and blue welt on her behind.". "Oh, that", the man replies shamefully " That was my mulligan".

**Wingacw** · 06-11-2006

This might be rather old but still funny.

Two men are playing a round and are on the 18th tee. A funeral procession comes by the tee and one of the men takes his hat off and covers his heart. After the procession passes, the oher man says that was a nice gesture. The other man replies well I thought so too, especially since I was married to her for 40 years.

**MountOdinMan** · 06-11-2006

Another old one, but here goes.
2 men are playing behind 2 women at their local club. After waiting on them for 5 holes one guy tells the other to go get them to speed up or let them play through. The guy walks halfway to the 2 ladies but then immediately returns. He then tells his friend, "Sorry, you're going to half to talk to them. One is my wife and one is my mistress." Then his friend walks halfway and comes back also. He then says to the other guy, "Same here."

**amer1cangolfer** · 06-11-2006

Originally Posted by Boomhauer

Neither of these will win any stand-up prizes, but here it goes:

1. The wife of a chronic golf addict decides to take up the game in order to spend a little more quality time with her husband. Not wanting to be a burden on his round, she elects to take some lessons prior to joining him at the course. After a week of topping, slicing, and hooking, she begins to swear in frustration. The pro walks up to her and assesses the situation, telling her the grip she is using is much too firm, and advising her to hold the golf club like she would her husband's penis. The pro stepped back, and she swung, sending the ball down the center of the fairway. "Jesus", the pro yels, "that was excellent - now take it out of your mouth and we'll try for distance!".

2. A fanatic golfer finally manages to sneak out for a round of golf after a monotonous week at work. Unfortunately, his game is suffering, and he can't seem to keep the ball in the short stuff. On the 12 hole, he shanks his last ball into the woods, and has to go look for it. After a few minutes, he finds his ball in a small clearing, nestled down in a bed of buttercups. Taking out his 60* to attempt a heroic flop shot over the tree-tops, he is stopped halfway through his backswing by a soft voice that says, "Please don't hurt my buttercups".
Startled, the man turns and blurts, "Who the hell are you?".
"I'm Mother Nature", replies the woman, "And if you don't hurt my buttercups I'll give you all the butter you can eat for the rest of your life".
The man responds, "That's great, but where the hell were you on 7 when I was in the pu$$ywillows?".

Like I said...probably older than the hills, and a bit dry...but then again, so is golf! Good luck with the old man...if the jokes don't work you could always pull a Tonya Harding on him.

The second joke is definately a keeper! Halfway through, I was like "what the hell?" But the payoff was sweet! Very nice, that should cause a nice big laughing slice!!

**amer1cangolfer** · 06-11-2006

Originally Posted by ezra76

This is an old one but I found it quite funny.

A man is playing with his wife. On the first tee she heads over to the ladies box, to the left of the mens, as he is readying to tee off. He hits a nasty pull hook and it hits her right in the temple and kills her. The next day the man is called down to the police station. The detective says "We understand the ball to the head was the cause of death but we are curious as to the giant black and blue welt on her behind.". "Oh, that", the man replies shamefully " That was my mulligan".

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That's great....in a sick kind of way!!! Hilarious man, nice work!! This will definatley be used at a crucial time!!!

**amer1cangolfer** · 06-11-2006

Very nice!! You all came up with some good stuff! Now, I'll just have to try and remember all of those!! Wing and MountainOdin, your's were hilarious too!!! Thanks for the replies! Hope they work!!